How to gift time /25th August 2024

and the importance of space

Being autistic comes with a set of challenges. Some unique to itself, but others an enhancement of things we all feel. Chances have been on my mind lately, and how we are quick to the draw to dismiss things or people. I suffer from social awkwardness, and I am a withdrawn person until I get completely comfortable. This isn’t unique to me or any of my conditions, and most people reading this will understand the feeling of your bones shrinking as you try and talk to strangers. This is enhanced for me, and I can come off as a person I am not because it is almost as if I forget how to be human. I regress to some early programming that doesn’t quite understand what it is to communicate. I go from fibre broadband to a dial-up connection on the fritz.

This can be a horrible feeling because as I look around a room and I see strangers mingle with strangers slowly becoming less stranger, I have no idea how to begin a conversation or even how to approach somebody in the correct way. My awkwardness and inability to fully emerge from my shell have left people with bad impressions of me and not quite understanding who I am, and they have cast a judgement that feels unchangeable. I don’t know what sets off the fires within me or extinguishes them, but I know time is a factor in the equation. My autism leaves me worried about saying the wrong thing or handling a situation correctly often, and it also means I say the wrong thing without knowing it is the wrong thing. If you got to know me beyond that limited interaction, you would understand that whatever I did wrong wasn’t said purposely, and I never had the intention to hurt.

This is a long way to say that we, as people, must give people chances. We must put it in the forefront of our minds that people struggle with different aspects of living. If somebody is being weird or seems uncomfortable, we should be patient before determining anything about them. We are all different when the furniture is still in the moving truck, and we need time to settle. The shoes are uncomfortable until you wear them in, the new mattress needs time to figure out how to hold you, and the new haircut can take a few trips to the mirror to really be appreciated. The way we are as humans can be offputting to people if they don’t know what is happening underneath. I overreact sometimes, which can be a lot for people, but my friends who know me well have learnt to shrug it off and fully understand how I am reacting and why I am reacting as I am. There is a great deal going on with people, and we quickly determine things about the ones we interact with. Sometimes, our assumptions are correct, but we are often in too much of a hurry to figure anybody out. Who are you beyond the awkwardness? What does your laughter sound like when it isn’t drowning in social anxiety? The setting also changes situations. I am a different person in different places. I am my most comfortable at home, and seeing friends at home is always the nicest experience because I have so much less worry. I know where things are, and I don’t have a new set of rules to adhere to. There is so much more to a social situation than it seems. There are factors you have not considered, as we all have different comforts to which we cling, and we all do certain things to make (insert place name here) feel homely. I also operate better with a buffer. A preexisting friend who can share the weight of the social gathering or somebody who can start a conversation because I do well in the middle, but I am pretty terrible at the beginning and the end. I think everything is a multiple-person job, even self-love.

Things are often more than they seem. We are guilty of making the mountains of others into molehills because we don’t understand what they are going through. We all have a different experience in whatever place we go with whatever activity we are doing. Incredibly, every single second of our existence is unique. When there are crossed wires, we are still a different cocktail from anybody else. Even though there is a mathematical certainty that somebody is feeling the exact same thing that you are feeling right now, they are feeling it for different reasons. The reason might be the slightest bit altered, but it is altered. By that logic, it means that we will never fully understand and we will never be fully understood. That seems scary, but that is a lot of relieved pressure. All we can do is understand to the best of our abilities, be there to listen and be intrigued by people. All we can do is make an effort to open our ears and listen to people without looking at our phones and checking the time. Give people your attention. People have changed my life so much, and I think of all the conversations I was too scared to enter and how great they could have been. Sometimes, we have to betray our fears and disprove our anxieties. We are the scientists with too much to gain. So, do the scary thing and also give people space. Space could change everything. Sound off in the comments, and I will see you soon.