Each finger a lifeline / 3rd November 2024

Counting and how to save yourself

I get asked about my autism and ways of coping more often than you’d probably believe, so I thought I would share something that has become very helpful. I recently discovered that I struggle to count words now. I have used syllable counting as a coping mechanism for so long that it has become my default instead of counting words. We had a task in a game I was playing with some friends, and we had to write notes with a twenty-five-word limit; honestly, it was the most challenging task I have had to do in a long time. I am also heavily into haiku poetry, which I do not think has helped with the problem.

Syllable counting is something I use to overcome my overwhelm and for the apparent reason of poetry. The exercise I have found myself using frequently goes as follows. I count five-syllable phrases or mantras on my hands, close my fist, shut my eyes, and breathe life into it. I picture my palms gardens and each syllable a seed I am encouraging the blooming of. The belief is the sunlight and each second of breathing, the watering. This could include:

It will be okay.

Chaos always calms.

You can achieve it.

If you need to hear any statement, say it out loud, count the syllables, and breathe. Sometimes, I do two statements on separate hands and breathe life into both. I tend to use the 4-7-8 technique, which involves 4 seconds of inhaling, holding the breath for 7 seconds, and exhaling for 8 seconds. The counting is an extra step because the limitation requires focus, which slows my mind. This would work with unrestricted statements, but it wouldn’t need as much thought, and in my experience, it is the thought that stops the thoughts. I love Japanese forms and any poetry form with reasonable restrictions for the same reason. Recently, I have been using a form I title the “half sonnet,” which isn’t an actual thing but an invention. The half sonnet doesn’t carry over the meter but allows five syllables over seven lines. I will post some examples on Friday!

Envisioning yourself holding something gives it its own sense of reality. Maybe you aren’t attempting to overcome anything and need more belief. Perhaps the anxiety is miniature, and you need some self-encouragement. You might say, ‘Today is going to be great’ because you need it to be. This isn’t something to use solely for the moments when the world is collapsing but also for the days when the waves dare show a little more teeth. Be you the threadbare boat or eroding cliffside, be you the lighthouse or the narrowing shoreline, open those hands and count. I make an exaggerated action of stretching my hands wide before counting because it signifies the beginning of something. You tell yourself that you will become saviour even before you have your boots on. The stretched palm is a protest against your body, the counting is the painting of the sign, and the closed fist is the marching.

I am guilty of not having coping mechanisms and allowing myself to stew in my own downfall, and instead of going inside, I have this terrible habit of accepting the rain. This is one of the few things I have started doing to better handle the world around me. I have come to the realisation that although I do not control the ways my autism makes me feel sometimes, it is within my control to leave a room or to have ways to cope in my back pocket, ready to spring into action. Tell me, what five-syllable phrases can you think of? What mini mantras can you grab from the air? Grab them right now and then repeat them. Counting your fingers as you say it. Whatever you feel is justified, but you deserve more than suffering. I promise there are ways in which you can help yourself, but it often takes time. The more you do anything, the better you get at that specific thing. The more you can adapt it to suit you. This is a way of coping for me, and there might only be elements of it that you find helpful, but don’t be afraid to make it your own. We are unique, so there is no promise that what works for one will work for another. Try it and make it yours. Make a fist and breathe. Let me know how you find it.

If you haven’t seen this movie, you should. Secondly, this score absolutely goes the F off. Finally, you should buy a cowboy hat and go full Eastwood. Thank you for being so supportive. Sound off in the comments, as always, and I will see you down there.