guilt and courage | 22nd nov 2021

the hush talks about guilt and courage

Had a conversation with a friend today about guilt and wanted it to spill over into this space. He recently had to walk away from a friend who had seemingly lost interest and care and they had become a cause of more bad than good. It is common for us all that even when we are being affected negatively, we stick around in fear of hurting another somebody. We often carry a feeling of guilt for putting ourselves first and I want to start this week off with a simple reminder with the potential to become a mantra. It is okay to put yourself and your feelings first. Let us repeat that but change the tense. It is okay to put MYSELF and MY feelings first. It really is.

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I know courage plays a part too. Having the courage to walk away from things that are a cause of negativity because, in this situation, you still care about the person but how they make you feel isn’t fair. Realistically is it even a friendship anymore if the only thing binding you is guilt? And there are a trillion other situations where guilt becomes the glue or guilt becomes a control panel controlling our actions. Guilt is another form of hypnosis but you should never let it have power over you. You matter. Your feelings matter. And the right thing doesn’t always feel good but your joy should always be a top priority. Happy Monday homies, hope the week is kind to you.

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I put the mantra into a giant poster because in case you didn’t know, I also do Graphic Design and I have got some great Christmas deals. Get in touch if you are at all interested. I don’t bite1

and here are two songs, one called guilt and one called courage. Full circle is the only way to go baby. Whoo, whoo, whoo.

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Unless it is under a full moon or very very hungry

avalanche | 14th nov 2021

let us talk about avalanche

I am me. Through and through. I am terrible at the art of being anything else and I am not sad about that. I don’t know where this confidence stems from. This almost selfish joy. But I have never had trouble with expression of self. Never truly known what it is to be red-cheeked and embarrassed. I am blessed that way. I know many struggle about self, fit snuggly in their shelves, and only emerge when they feel it is safe to do so. I want to say today, it is safe to do so. Right now. In ten minutes. In an hour. In a day. In a week. Always. I have this poem called avalanche and if you are reading this then you will most likely know the poem I am talking about. The poem is far from spectacular. It is rather basic and short and not really special but when I wrote it, I loved it. I posted it on Instagram and initially, it bombed. I decided the poem deserved more so a week later I posted it again and again, it bombed. I went through this process like six times before finally, it gained some traction. That poem now closes every set and people read it on their lives often. Out of all my poems, that is the one that is recited by others the most. It is my most popular poem and I feel it captures me in such a snapshot manner and I simply refused for it to be ignored. I knew this poem deserved to be heard, deserved to be loved, and deserved to be special. And now, the more I think about it, I see how that Avalanche poem is relatable to life. Not the words but the way I pushed it into the world and demanded attention for it.

You are a poem because we, as humans, all are and your true self at times is a misunderstood poem. And like avalanche, you can either stay as that one poem until the right people find you and love you for what you are or you can change your words and be loved by people who aren’t truly loving YOU. The beauty of being misunderstood, however, is that you are given more space to be understood. Avalanche isn’t really poetic but I loved it so I rallied for it to be loved and eventually, it was. Self-love is a vital component to all things. Be you and love the real you without thinking about other factors such as being liked or being popular. Your true people will gravitate to your natural self even if it does take time. I love this poem now as much as I ever have. In summary, today, all I really wanted to say again was be you. Be avalanche. Be the poem you were meant to be and even if you feel like a single syllable, never allow anybody to claim you are less than an epic.

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This track feels oddly perfectly fitting

moving too fast | nov 8th 21

the hush goes full speed on slowing down

Homies! I hope you are all doing well. It was insane to write November in the title and to think how fast time seems to be going. Everything lately feels like warp speed. A fun little fact about me is that I suffer from frequent bursts of vertigo. I personally believe that it is a lie but the doctor told me it is impossible to think fast enough to make yourself dizzy but he’s only professionally trained for over a decade. Quick detour aka side note: can you believe it takes ten whole years to become a doctor ?! And that’s a minimum benchmark. Vets take roughly five years and librarians six. So what I’m basically saying is the animals have a right to be pissed when they rebel and take over the world.

Back to the vertigo! I genuinely do think I think too fast and it contributes to my dizziness. I am too often the cartoon version of a bird sipping espresso and then darting around the place, bug eyed and frantic. Sure I’m diagnosed with ADHD which is just a fancier way of saying ‘health risk’ but there are days I feel I am moving so fast I am leaving the world behind me. I used to smoke cigarettes to calm myself down but I quit four years ago and still don’t know what to do with my hands. And then there were the times those cigarettes were laced with something a little funkier and of course that works but you get to a point where you realise it’s doing more harm than good. I decided to take the plunge and build healthier habits and ultimately I failed. Sure, I don’t smoke at all. I don’t drink. I’m drug free. But I have not managed to replace them and when I spiral I still don’t know how to stop myself. Writing helps but it gets a little obsessive. I wrote a whole chapbook in a day on Thursday of last week which is great but also not. Then there’s exercise which starts off my morning well but doesn’t last all day. Put short I still got a lot of shit to get together. And I guess I’m telling you this because perfection is a painting I have grown sick of seeing. Our minds are messy sometimes and things take time. Not everything is solved in moments. We are in such an instant world. Fifteen second reels and disappearing messages. Ten second stories and limited characters to tell our stories. We are too exposed to the hurry. Too influenced to keep moving when sometimes all we need is a little stillness. So put down the phone, find a few blank pages and write something without any limits. Not a poem just a letter to yourself to let yourself know how you’re feeling. Truthfully, openly. Feel what it is to have all the space in the world, outside of a screen and outside of a social media that just wants you to go a little quicker. The time is yours, own it.

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May we slow

and find still

in the spinning.

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Here are a few slow songs to listen to in this hurried world

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